Self-forgiveness

By 1:35 PM



I was watching a movie yesterday called “I hate valentine’s day”, I had already watched it a long time ago but back then, it didn’t have the same effect on me that it did today. The movie started out kind of boring, it’s about a woman who runs a flower shop and loves everything that involves romance. In the beginning of the movie, it’s nearly Valentine’s day and she waits for the date anxiously, not caring about the fact that she has got no boyfriend, there was even a guy who showed up in her store and tried to be negative about the “special date” and she lectured him about it, on how Valentine’s day is beautiful and unique.
From the outside, the woman showed nothing but a lot of confidence and everyone loved her. She was always smiling, chatty and optimistic about everything, but the fun part was that even though she loved love, she couldn’t fall in love. She set up a rule for her own, in which she met new guys and went out on no more than 5 dates with them and, there was some sort of script she followed on each date, for instance, on the first one, you flirt a lot, on the second one, you share personal information, on the third you do something adventurous and then, on the fifth, you dump the person and start over. She did that because she truly believed that 5 dates were enough for someone to have tons of fun but at the same time, it wasn’t time enough for anyone to get hurt.

But as a romantic comedy movie, there’s always a lesson to be taught, so she ended up getting a little more involved with one of the guys she met, he knew about the 5 dates rule and since he was a failure with relationships, he accepted the “challenge”, and after the fifth date, he respected the woman’s choice and didn’t look for her anymore, but, the woman was in love with him, the 5 dates were enough for her to realize that he was more than just “a date”, so, the man’s silence made her go nuts, because she thought he wasn’t into her anymore and after that, the mask fell down, the fake happiness the woman had vanished and her real inner self took place. She became bitter, moody, and started to hate love. Valentine’s day became a pain in the ass for her.

Why am I talking about this stupid movie? Mainly because I could clearly see myself as I watched it. There I was, the girl who always showed a strong confidence to everyone around her but that deep inside, had several wars going on, so many that she couldn’t allow herself to get involved with anyone emotionally, not until she could truly make out her real enemies and get rid of them. The only way the woman in the movie managed to fall in love and be happy was when she discovered her real problem and annihilated it once and for all.

But back to me, I have been thinking a lot about me and my life in the past few days,  so much that I actually managed to understand a few things, and one of them is: I’ve got to forgive myself. When I say forgiveness it's not because I'm a psycho - ok, maybe I am a little bit - but it's actually because sometimes I think that part of the things I went through were my own fault. I was too blind to see so many things that were right before my eyes and now that I stop and look back, I feel so weak, humiliated, so low. And even though some people tell me “Hey, It wasn’t your fault”, I think "Wasn’t it, really?" I mean, I always knew who they were, I was the one who chose to live around them, nobody made me, and that acknowledgement makes me feel even worse, it was all my fault. And now I know that I’m never going to able to start over until I get rid of all this anger and grudge that keep eating me up. I don’t know where to start and I know it's going to be one hell of a journey, but at least I know what the problem is, and that means I’m half way there. Not to mention that I've been doing some cleaning in my life, I think that the first step for my recovery is to get rid of the all the dirt, and for now, I believe my mission is accomplished.

But, I always try to see everything on the bright side: it could be way worse, I could still be living the same shitty life I lived, but my choice was not to live it, so I guess I am not that bad after all, right?

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